Don’t Be a Panican: Trump’s Trade War Is On, Off, or Imaginary

Declassified Weekly | Satirical – WARYATV –

Trump’s 125% tariff chaos meets the EU’s strategic ambiguity, with Queen Ursula preparing (maybe) to respond. Welcome to geopolitics, toddler-style. 

The trade war has begun. Or it hasn’t. It’s been paused. Or maybe escalated. It’s Schrödinger’s tariff war, and the only one not confused is the architect of it all: toddler-in-chief Donald Trump, now lobbing duties at every direction like a candy-throwing gremlin at a Halloween parade.

Yes, even the penguins of the Heard and McDonald Islands — whom Trump may think are part of the McFlurry supply chain — have reportedly been sanctioned in spirit. Meanwhile, actual adversaries like North Korea are being left untouched. Because logic is for losers.

In Europe, Queen Ursula von der Leyen donned her platinum blazer and composed herself for war — or a press conference. Who can tell? Upon receiving Trump’s 125% tariff cannonball to the continent’s face, she emerged the next day with a stunning counterstrike: “We are prepared to respond.”

Prepared. Like a student telling the teacher, “I studied,” without revealing whether it was the syllabus or TikTok trends.

In classic EU fashion, diplomacy became interpretive dance. Brussels gave Trump both a carrot (zero tariffs on industrial goods) and a stick (retaliatory measures “under consideration”). The result? A 90-day timeout, where no one’s sure if this is peace or just the eye of the tantrum.

Trump, meanwhile, insists via Truth Social that everything is going “tremendously well.” Of course, that’s his line whether discussing tariffs or an unflushed toilet at Mar-a-Lago.

But if you’re looking for clues, just scroll his latest capitalized truths: “DON’T BE WEAK! DON’T BE STUPID! DON’T BE A PANICAN!” Which, incidentally, is now the unofficial foreign policy doctrine of the West.

The EU’s response to this chaos? More bureaucracy. Because if there’s one thing that can kill a trade war faster than missiles, it’s a 76-page regulatory impact assessment translated into 24 languages.

So, here we are. The war is paused. Or it isn’t. Ursula might respond. Or she might rebrand “responding” as “strategic patience.” Trump might raise tariffs. Or declare victory and move on to banning baguettes.

Don’t be a PANICAN. Just be European — and have a backup trade plan. Or three. Or twenty-seven.